AWOL

I apologize for not being better about keeping this up.  The holidays happened, and I have been in somewhat of a dilemma since then.  I was waiting to post when I had something substantial to share, but I'm tired of waiting to talk to you all.  So I titled this post AWOL because I have been Absent WithOut Leave from my blog and I also am AWOL from my oncologist as well.  I haven't been to the doctor since 11/15/2010.  I decided on that visit that I would be done with that cycle of chemotherapy.  I was doing pretty well and really wanted to go into the holidays chemo free.  You see, it takes me several weeks.. like 6 of them, to start feeling like myself again after having a cycle of chemo.  So, in order to feel good at Christmas, I needed to quit a little early.  I don't think my doctor completely supported my decision, but he is good about letting me decide my own destiny.  It was also scan time.  I believe I have shared with you all before how anxious I get over the scans.  I am not alone in this anxiety.  I guess it is quite common amongst us cancer patients.  My doctor is very considerate of my anxiety and gave me the option to get them done ASAP before Thanksgiving, or wait until after the New Year so it doesn't ruin my holidays.  Thanksgiving crept up so fast, I just figured I would wait until 2011.  Then January came.  I was feeling SO GOOD!  My stamina was up and I had really learned to make the best of my time.  You see I go through some pity pot feelings and had spent a lot of December wishing for the Christmas miracle cure.  But Santa did not put a cure in my stocking and yeah...  I was a little disappointed.  But in January, I picked myself up, got past my pity party and really started living again.  I would be asked "Did you call the doctor today?"  My reply was always - "gosh I was so busy, I forgot.  I will do it tomorrow."  Well...  the tomorrows soon turned into weeks, which soon turned into a couple months.  I got a nasty cold in late February and still am battling it a little.  But for the most part, still feeling pretty decent.  I hope that I have not hindered my ability to battle this disease by not seeing my doctor, but I think that just getting some time off has done my spirit well.  Another big reason why I have been avoiding the doctor is because I am not sure I want to continue chemotherapy.  No!  I am not giving up my fight!  I am just considering fighting my cancer in other ways.  As it stands right now, the chemo makes me more sick than the disease itself.  And I have done a little research that shows how barbaric chemo really is and soon it will be a thing of the past because it really isn't the best way to fight cancer.  Oh sure, it kills cancer cells...  but it kills ALL cells.  So as it weakens the cancer, it weakens the good stuff in your body too.  A friend referred me to a wonderful lady who is an RN and a  licensed nutritionist who will help people like me for free.  I have met with her once.  I could talk on and on and on about the things I learned from her, but not sure I can actually apply her ideas to my life.  So, here I sit.  Still not wanting to call the doctor because I feel like I have to make a decision when I see him.  The decision being whether I am ready to proceed with another cycle of chemo or not.  I'm just not ready to make that decision.  I think I am finally realizing that when it is decided that it is your time, its your time. There is no treatment or thing that you can do to prevent it...  It's just that you are needed elsewhere now to start over again. 

Yep...  I did it.  I opened that door to the subject of faith.  In the last (almost) 4 years I have learned so much about faith.  I have been a quiet observer of people who claim to have faith, people who practice faith, and people who don't have faith.  Yes, I know, I talk A LOT!  But I also listen and observe and I have learned a lot from watching you all and how you handle your issues.  (My retired lifestyle has afforded me this luxury... but I have always been interested in the subject).  I have reached a calm in my life with regards to faith.  I feel I finally understand it, and I no longer am bitter about my disease and situation.  Life can get so complicated and you can lose your focus and priorities so easily.  I am not saying that I will never lose focus or sense of my priorities again because it just happens, I am just finally ok with my situation and I need to make the best of every moment.  We all say that, but it is so hard to make it an everyday practice.  I could talk for hours on the subject...  but I will close out the subject of faith with this:  I sincerely love an appreciate all of you for your friendship and support.  I was talking to my Mom this afternoon and realized something amazing!  When my Mom calls to check up on me, my story is usually the same.  "Mom!  Guess who I heard from today?  They just (emailed) (called) (facebooked) me to check in and see how I was doing and if they could help me in anyway.  And Mom...  there is just not enough time in the day for me to see, email, write, talk to the people who I care about so much."  I know that may be difficult to read, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.  What a wonderful feeling to have "not enough time in the day", to reach out to all those that love you and care, to be your biggest problem.  I sure hope that makes sense to you.  I mean it in the most sincerest of ways.  So please!  Keep emailing, writing, facebooking, calling, and stopping by.  I LOVE IT!

I would love and appreciate any feedback that you may have regarding my dilemma with my doctor.  I know I need to get in there soon to at least get my port flushed.  And I am going to make an effort to be better about keeping up this blog.

Love,
~LeAnne